Titanic: the Animated Movie (2001)
"Titanic was the most popular movie, ever, don'cha know!"
"Yeah, I bet if WE made an animated version for kids, we'd really clean up!"
"Yeah, especially since kids are the largest theatrical demographic, and stuff, and an animated version'd be WAY cheaper to make!"
"So, let's go! Let's do it!"
"Wait! Isn't all that death a little... ...I don't know,... ...TRAUMATIC for kids?"
"So we do away with the death, and make things nice and sweet! There we go! Problem solved! Right?"
"Yeah, that's all fine and good,... ...but what are we left with?"
"People boarding,... ...people riding,... ....people sinking. Say, that's pretty boring."
"Well, I don't know. Some of those people must have been interesting? There WERE over two-thousand people on that ship?"
"Yeah, but to find out who takes effort and research."
"Blecch."
"Well, now, wait! How much importance do you think kids are even going to put in how historically accurate we are?"
"You've got a point, there! Kids think history is boring! The last thing they're going to do is double-check on us!"
"Yeah, so we can take all the historical liberties we like!"
"Yeah! In fact, why not use stories kids're already familiar with? No point alienating them with new concepts or unfamiliar ways of life?"
"Brilliant! It saves us having to rack our valuable minds coming up with original concepts! Not only that, but... ...when did the Titanic sink? 1910?"
"No, I think it sank BEFORE World War II,..."
"Right. Well, kids don't know about speakeasys, or what the Charleston is?"
"I know I don't!"
"So, we're set! Let's just add a bunch of talking animals, and we've got ourselves a movie!"
"Yeah!"
Anyone who ever has a chance to see 'Titanic: the Animated Movie' (awarded a half a cup by we at Cinema Junkie) is going to be a LOT easier on James Cameron's film. One must remember that, for our inherent tendencies to spurn success at such a grand scale, and despite Cameron's reaction to his own success, as well as what has got to be the most annoying song to ever win an Oscar (largely because it's been overplayed beyond tolerance), 'Titanic' (1997) was an ambitious and spectacular achievement, and despite its faults (remember, it was thrown together six months ahead of schedule in order to qualify as a 1997 release), deserved the acclaim it got.
''Titanic: The Animated Movie', on the other hand, is one of the laziest cartoons ever assembled. It clocks in at 72 minutes, 12 of which are credits, and basically twenty to thirty minutes of original (and I use the word loosely) animation is stretched to occupy the remaining sixty. For starters, the film is in the same structure Richard Attenborough has employed in 99% of his movies (where he starts near the end, and then the beginning; that way, the footage near the end can be used twice). Some segments are presented as stills, while some are repeated two to three times or more (the same way the old 'Spider-Man' cartoons used to maximize their resources by recycling/repeating their footage ad-nauseum), while other segments emulate slo-mo (not for effect or to rouse emotion, mind you; with the employment of slo-mo, the animators only have to draw a third as many cels). And then there are the repeated segments that emulate slo-mo,...
Oh, and I'm only guessing, but don't think there's a minute of this movie that's drawn at twenty-four frames a second (i.e. cinematic standard), because nearly all of the motion is spastic instead of fluid (it's a minor miracle when mouths speak in sync with the words). I mean, even Saturday morning dreck like 'Pokémon' is drawn at twenty-four frames a second (and that's pretty bad, when a movie's animation is atrocious enough to make me have to designate it inferior to 'Pokémon').
But maybe I'm the one who should be lenient. Animation IS an expensive process, after all, and we don't all have the resources Disney does (speaking of Disney, they'd probably sue the filmmakers for plagiarism, that is, the many movies this film was ripped from weren't based on stories of public domain).
As respects the plot, the mere fact that the Titanic sank is pretty much as historically accurate as the film gets. The visuals of the ship and its captain look exactly like those in Cameron's film, and the script is a melange of Cameron's (but interpreted as if those who'd seen it had slept through about a third of it), and a half-dozen Disney classics, and others.
The main story is an inverted variation of Cameron's film (i.e. rich man and poor girl instead of poor man and rich girl), convenient in its fusion with elements of 'Cinderella' (the poor girl, a redhead named Angelica, is the servant/stepdaughter of a rich old hag and her two repulsive daughters, all of whom are passengers on the Titanic). Also, paralleling the Disney version of 'Cinderella' (1950), she is befriended by talking mice, one of whom, strangely, looks exactly like Fievel from 'An American Tail' (1986) (but speaks with a very bad French accent).
Her first evening on the ship, she meets William, the adopted son of a wealthy woman, who is absolutely smitten with her, on first sight. And he's a reserved boy; the second time he meets her, he says the following, despite having only known her a few minutes:
"The best part about this voyage is meeting you,... ...oh, wait! I don't know your name!" (by the way, if anyone is able to use this line, and get away with their heads,
let me know)
There is a reception the following evening. Angelica is unable to go, at first (her stepmother and stepsisters taunt her for having nothing formal to wear), but an elderly lady she shares the third class quarters with has, conveniently stored in her luggage, a dress that happens to fit perfectly ("I used to have a figure, once, you know", she says; apparently, she used to be a foot-and-a-half taller, too). She bumps into William, they share a dance, and then kiss (in plain view of several spectators, including the woman who'd loaned her the dress, and the animals she'd befriended, all of whom cheer or cry with joy); THIS, after a collective acquaintance of less than ten minutes.
And then the ship collides with the iceberg, and the next several minutes parallel Cameron's movie, verbatim (minus the death by drowning and/or freezing,... ...and in THIS version, those in third class weren't barred from ascending to the main decks,... ...oh, and the talking animals; I suppose that WOULD be a noticeable difference). Angelica boards a lifeboat with several others, and some false tension is created as to whether William survives, but anyone who's read the cover to this knows, because it's printed as a promise, that everyone is rescued, and lives happily ever after (I kid you not), so that does that. And if that does that, why even rent the movie, to begin with?
Because in no other movie, in the history of EVER, will you EVER see a rapping terrier (dressed as if he'd stepped out of a Joey Lawrence music video) with a boom box on his shoulder IN A MOVIE SET IN 1912!!! With a MARIACHI BAND of MICE as his BACKUP BAND!!! Singing about 'BUSTING MOVES, and BUSTING RHYMES,... ...BECAUSE IT'S PARTY TIME'!!! (if this feat has ever been duplicated, for the love of God,
let me know)
It's probably the tip of the iceberg, as far as what's so irredeemably messed up about this movie, but there's plenty else to gawk at. The countless other Disney films they rip off, from 'The Little Mermaid' (1989) (all sequences featuring the chef in the kitchen) to '101 Dalmatians' (among the talking pets are a pair of Dalmatians, and among the ship's passengers are a Cruella DeVille clone, complete with a pair of bumbling idiots who fall down every ten seconds, Stepin Fetchit style (incidentally, I'd noticed Cuba Gooding Jr. constantly do this in 'Snow Dogs' (2002); do filmmakers throw this in, presuming we, in the audience, are attention-defic... ...what was I talking about?)). Oh, and that the dominant song in this film is a shameless rip-off of that song of Céline Dion's that was in perpetual rotation for a year-and-a-half (and is, for the record, ten times worse).
So, all in all, this is a bad, bad, bad, bad movie, but what makes it an unnerving one is the movie's closing line (which precedes the twelve minutes of credits that fill this movie out to feature length). The mouse who looks like Fievel informs us (via narration and stills) what happens to everyone who is rescued, after which, he says, "See you, soon!" Uhh,... ...does this mean there's going to be a sequel?
That reminds me. 'Mac and Me' (1988) also promised us a sequel. Where is it?
Gabriel Noël, © 2003